StarGlitching

Stargirl:

Journal Entry 16

I thought it would be better, truly. I thought that after I left school, I would grow into having friends. That isn’t to say that I don’t have friends, but I thought that I would have more…connection? It’s strange, but I find it hard to reach out to others. They say to me, “Remember when we did this” or “Remember when we met them,” and I feel like I’m in a loop. They know me and I know them, and maybe that’s part of the problem; we’re remembering past us, not cultivating current us.

Or maybe the issue is me, maybe I’m the one who hasn’t changed. I remain in the same yellow walls of my childhood bedroom, staring at posters of past stars. Sure, I have a job. Thank goodness. I’m able to pay for some of the house bills but me, as a person, feels juvenile. Maybe I’m carrying that bleeding past, and so, even though we should be having new convos about wild experiences, all I can do is reminisce. Replay the past over and over again because that’s all I can remember in the present. Now that I think of it, they tell me about their travels and romances, and all I can reply with is “remember in high school when we stole our [redacted friend]’s notebook just before class?”

God…I’m that loser. I’m that loser who won’t let go, but how can I? I don’t really do anything now, but past me did. Past me has stories for days. Present me? Well, she simply doesn’t.

Glitch_boy:

Journal Entry 10

When I wake up, I hope that it's better. Sometimes it is, but mostly, it’s not. Today was one of those “mostly not” days.

I still didn’t call.

I keep saying that I’ll FaceTime them back. I promise that I’ll text back. I urge that we meet up next week. I don’t know why I keep lying, or maybe it’s not a lie, but still, it’s not honest either. I want to talk to them, but when I go to call or message, a wave of exhaustion hits me. Last week, I finally got an offer. After God knows how many interviews and resume changes, I finally have a job. When I thought about telling my friends, I got…I got…I just didn’t. They will congratulate me, they will be happy for me, and I’ll thank them, and it will all be so awkward. It would be like being congratulated by a stranger - nice, but ultimately shallow. In the end, my “thank you” will be equally as hollow. God, it will be all so uncomfortable.

Maybe it would be best to tell them in person?

Texts are always dry, FaceTiming is always agonizing, so maybe in person it will be different? We would actually have a reason to meet up, and I would have things to say, things that won’t include [redacted name] or high school. There would be something new to talk about, something to show that I’m moving on. Something that shows that life is working.

But I haven’t reached out. Not on the day of news, not the day after, and not even today.

I’ll feel up to it tomorrow.

Stargirl:

Journal Entry 34

What is love like?

Today is February 16th, and again, I’m alone. Well, not alone, but still, this is the holiday for love, and I have no partner that I love. Though I’m not sure the partner matters. The “perfect” partner is faceless in my dreams, a true animation of my emotions. I just want to feel it.

Not knowing something that everyone claims to have experienced feels isolating. The countless songs from all my favorite artists speaking on the greatest and worst loves of their lives consume me and my imagination. It’s a part of the human experience, and yet, I have not experienced such a feeling. I suppose I thought that it would come naturally, like the rain or a thunderstorm. On a random day, I thought, it would pour over me, and this person would feel the same sweeping downpour, and that’s how it would start. It’s supposed to come naturally. It’s supposed to happen while you’re in your 20s.

It hasn’t happened.

At this point, will it ever? I just want to experience it. It can fail miserably, horribly, but at least it happened. At least, the story is undeniable. At least, something fucking happened.

I’m just so sick of the yellow.

Glitch_boy:

Journal Entry 30

When I woke up today, it was Valentine’s Day. The lead-up to the day of hearts was slow and devastating. Pinks and reds littered the stores and my timeline. I didn’t care at first, as I was able to ignore it like the years before, but for some reason, I started to feel particularly annoyed and…depressed?

It rained, which isn’t the best setting for the greatest day for love.

I don’t…. really believe that it’s the greatest day for love, but regardless, I thought that I wouldn’t be here. When I imagined being in my 20s, I thought I would experience a lot. But honestly, all that I’ve been feeling is boredom and a deep, unescapable sense of disappointment, and today really highlights that. I’ve never had a Valentine, and throughout all my daydreams, I believed and was even content with the fact that it would happen in my 20s. Nothing has happened. I thought that the world would open up for me and I would explore it fervently and passionately through different settings and different people. God, I even imagined some sort of change, a change that doesn’t bind me to being ever plain and alone.

But here is another Valentine's Day where I’m so uncomfortably alone. Nothing has changed.

Despite all my feelings for today, I allowed myself to have another daydream. Everything was so fuzzy, but they were happy with me and I felt…settled.

I mourn that dream.

…………………………………………………

….Stargirl has logged on

….Glitch_boy has logged on